“My 14-year-old son just asked me if he can take his girlfriend to the school dance this weekend and I’m afraid to let him go because of what he may do with her afterwards.  Should I let him go?”

Questions like this come up in therapy regularly when working with parents.  While there’s no set formula or an answer that’s a perfect fit for every situation, here are a few thoughts that may be helpful as you prepare to teach your child about dating.

Children are like sponges that soak up everything they’re exposed to, particularly from their peers, siblings, television programs, and yes, even us parents.  We have all learned what we are “supposed” to do from watching others in a variety of settings.  When it comes to dating, undoubtedly the most effective approach to teaching a child what a date should be like is by starting as young as possible and building upon it throughout childhood.

Parents can model appropriate behaviors very easily, and the toddler years are a perfect time to start.  A 2-year-old daughter would be thrilled for her daddy to take her out for an ice cream cone and spend some time being the apple of his eye.  A 3-year-old son would be in heaven going to get a Happy Meal with mommy and having an hour of her undivided attention.  While a 10-year old-boy or a 16-year-old girl may often seem like they would rather do something other than hang out with their parents, more often than not, that is a front.  In reality, at the core children and adolescents crave some of their parents’ uninterrupted attention, even if only for a few moments.

A daddy-daughter date is a perfect opportunity for a father to model how he expects another young man to treat his daughter and to help her figure out what to look for when she begins dating.  In the same way, a mommy-son date is an extremely powerful platform for a mother to teach her son how a lady should conduct herself, as well as how a young man should respond.  Things as simple as opening the door, paying for a meal, or whether to hold hands are very easy to teach a young child. The more opportunities they have to practice these things with mom or dad, the more likely they are to repeat these same patterns as they begin to pursue dating relationships.  Whether you start this with a toddler or an adolescent, any opportunity a parent takes to model behavior is better than nothing at all.

Nick Hersey, LAMFT, LAPC

nhersey@ GROWcounseling.com