There is no relationship as close and as strained as the mother-daughter relationship, especially during the teen years. The difficulty in this relationship is highlighted with drama and humor in a show called Gilmore Girls. If you have watched this show you know the difficulty Lorelai Gilmore (mother) had with letting Rory (daughter) make mistakes while still being a loving mother who was there to offer guidance.

There are two main tasks for mothers and daughters during this season in their relationship:

• Mothers: learn how to move from director parenting role to guidance parenting role. Director parenting tells a child how and when to do something, what to think, and how to behave. This parenting is needed more with toddlers & young children who are just learning how the world works. Guidance parenting gives a child some opinions on how to handle situations, steps in when there is safety concerns,  and helps the child see outcomes of their decisions and deal with consequences. This parenting is most needed with teens.
• Daughters: learn how to separate from their mothers and to decide who they want to become.

These two tasks can leave mothers feeling unwanted and emotionally hurt and daughters yelling “I don’t like you, just stay out of my life.” Mothers can be worried that their daughters will make a terrible mistake they will not be able to fix or that they might lose the close relationship they once had with their daughter.

Teen daughters are making many difficult decisions and forming opinions every day about how to treat themselves, how to treat others, and how to be productive in the world. Unless there is a safety concern, mothers cannot and should not make these decisions for their daughters. But that does not mean that mothers “check out” and hope their daughter makes the best decision; instead mothers step into the role of shaping and guiding their daughter’s decision making.

Research shows mothers influence the opinions and decisions daughters make about body image, self-esteem, their sexuality, and their career aspirations. Keep this important guidance role in mind as you are interacting with your daughter. Look for moments you can tell her what an amazing woman she is becoming and how she has so much to offer the world with her talents. Parent voices become the internal voices daughters hear when making decisions and forming opinions. Sometimes the daughter’s decision or opinion is similar to the mother’s and sometimes it is different, but with each decision the daughter has an opportunity to learn about the world.

Remember you still play an important role in your daughter’s life; it is just a different role than when she was a young child.

Jennifer Wilmoth, LAMFT

Jwilmoth@ GROWcounseling.com