After a divorce, there tends to be two different responses people have. The first one is to immediately jump back out into the dating world and find another romantic partner and quickly “couple up.” The second response (quite the opposite of the first) is to vow never to date or be in a relationship again because they are just too painful and difficult.  Today we’re going to focus on the first response, which also seems to be the most common: to become a couple again as soon as possible.

“How long should I wait to date again?”

Many people seem to just be chomping at the bit to get back out there, sometimes even before the divorce is final. I’ve heard various responses to this question. One “formula” is to wait a year for every year that you were married before pursuing dating again. This seems a bit extreme, especially for those who had many years of marriage under their belt – they might not ever date again at that rate! I’ve also heard the rule of thumb of waiting at least one year after the divorce is final (not one year from the time you separated and began divorce proceedings). I’ve also heard the statement “it simply takes as long as it takes,” which of course can be frustrating when one wants specific answers.

The fact is that nobody can put a time table on the emotional healing that needs to take place after a divorce or the end of a serious relationship. It really is different for everyone.

Before You Start Dating Again

• There is a necessary grieving process that one needs to go through in order to come to terms with the loss that’s been endured. This is true even if you’re very glad it ended.
• There is also a lot of wisdom in being able to look objectively at the relationship and identify your responsibility in its end. All relationships take two people in order to work. Both people contribute to the relationship’s success or failure. No matter what the reason for the relationship ending, you played a part in it. Discovering what this part is and coming to terms with it is important in order to have a healthy relationship the next time around.
• There is a need for forgiveness. One must come to a point of being able to forgive the other person and also forgive one’s self for what happened.

These steps will ensure you have a more successful romantic relationship in the future.

Stacey Wald, LAPC, RD

swald@ growcounseling.com