photo: Anthony Easton, Creative Commons
Many people say they feel guilty about various things they have said or done in the past. They may even feel guilty when saying ‘no’ or standing up for themselves. There are misconceptions about what is actual guilt and what is false guilt. Furthermore, what someone may actually be feeling is actually shame.
Let’s look at the difference between shame and guilt.
What is guilt?
Guilt is when you blame yourself for a fault or mistake that you made in the past which you now regret. True guilt comes when you are responsible for the action or event that occurred. False or inappropriate guilt comes when you feel responsible for a particular event, when in reality you had no power or control over the outcome.
Some examples of events people often have false guilt about:
- childhood abuse
- parents’ divorce
- physical/emotional/sexual abuse
- death of a loved one
What is shame?
Shame is an emotion that arises when the self is perceived as defective, unacceptable, unworthy or fundamentally damaged. Shame is often associated with feelings of guilt, embarrassment, discomfort, humiliation, etc.
Shame may show up in some of these ways:
- feeling badly about yourself
- dissatisfaction due to a “decrease in status”
- disapproving of your own actions or accomplishments
- failure to meet your own standard of behavior
- absence or deficiency of self-love
- feeling inferior
- loss of honor
When trying to decipher between shame and guilt, keep these things in mind:
Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. To deal with guilt, we need to learn that as humans we make mistakes. To deal with shame, we need to learn that it’s okay to be who we are!
Stacey Wald, LAPC, RD
Swald @ growcounseling.com