In Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, we’ve discussed the range of strong emotional reactions by both spouses after an affair is discovered. It’s important to begin minimizing the negative effects these reactions can have on each spouse and the marriage.

Healthy boundaries can assist with creating some sense of safety, security, and predictability.  

These boundaries can help spouses determine a clear understanding as to how they will interact with each other. Additionally, it’s important to determine how they—as a couple and as individuals—will talk to others (friends and family) including the “outsider” (the person the offending spouse had the affair with).

Here are a few healthy boundaries you can set up:

• Establish a plan for taking a “timeout.” This should be discussed early on when interactions are likely to become volatile and destructive. Timeouts are most effective when you’ve determined how long the timeout can last and what constitutes a healthy outlet (i.e. going for a walk, journaling, listening to music) during the time out.
• Decide if a temporary physical separation is necessary. Depending on the volatility of the relationship, your boundaries may need to include having each spouse reside in a different location temporarily.
• Agree upon when and how often you will discuss aspects of the affair. Setting this boundary will help you decrease conflict in your relationship. Also be specific about what aspects of the affair you both agree to discuss when alone and in the presence of others.
• Determine what boundaries should exist between the offending spouse and the “outsider.” These boundaries should be based on what is needed for the injured spouse to feel safe enough to begin recovery and reestablish trust. These boundaries may include limiting verbal, written, and physical contact with the “outsider” as well as informing the injured spouse of any attempted contact from the “outsider.”

Self-care is also necessary immediately following the discovery of an affair.

Self-care can help each spouse as they seek to interact effectively with each other. It also allows them to continue functioning in other areas of home and work.

Here are a few self-care ideas:

• Physical Care – This includes getting the proper food and water intake as well as adequate sleep and exercise. Establish a daily routine that includes times to eat and rest. Prepare a grocery shopping list for a friend to help make sure you have food items accessible.
• Social Support – Confide in a close friend or family member about what you are going through. Be careful to share only aspects of the affair that are within the boundaries that you and your spouse have agreed upon. It may be difficult for friends or family to support your affair recovery if they know too much.
• Spiritual Support – Stay grounded in your faith. Use prayer, meditation, scripture reading, and attending church to give you daily strength towards recovery. Spiritual counseling may also be beneficial.

Porsha Williams, LAMFT

Pwilliams@ GROWcounseling.com

photo: Kool Cats Photography, Creative Commons