In many cases, depression and anxiety are actually the result of habitual negative thoughts called cognitive distortions. When bad things happen, we begin punishing ourselves with thoughts: I’m no good, I’m a total failure, or Nothing will ever go my way.
Our feelings follow what we are thinking and negative thoughts like these will send us spiraling.
Cognitive distortions are like a pair of old broken down loafers. You have worn them for so long that they are molded to your feet. They are your “go-to” shoes when you are in a hurry; you leave them by the back door so you can slip them on quickly whenever you leave. They are worn down, scuffed and smelly, but so familiar. Friends have suggested you might want to replace them and you’ve noticed some people look at you with disapproval and seem offended when you wear them in public. Like the old loafers, distorted thinking is familiar, comfortable, and in many ways, your identity. You recognize the need to change. You see the damage inflicted on those close to you by your emotional overreactions. You wonder how to change or if it was even possible.
What I have learned for myself, and teach my clients, is thoughts are just thoughts, not facts.
Challenging these cognitive distortions means you need to go shoe shopping! When you first flirt with the idea of a new pair of shoes, there is an anticipatory rush. You walk into the store and are amazed by the choice of colors, shapes, and patterns. It is intimidating, but you observe others browsing and as you begin to try on different pairs, and think, I can do this. You walk up and down the aisles and begin the process of elimination. This pair is too tall, not practical; this pair is too colorful, it would draw excessive attention; this pair is too matronly, you do not want to start dressing like that yet. Pair after pair is dismissed until you notice a somewhat familiar style: the loafer. The challenge is to not try them on because you will likely find yourself thinking, why buy a new pair when my old shoes still serve me?
That’s why I advise people to not go shoe shopping, or attempt to change cognitive distortions, alone. Rather, seek the guidance of a trusted friend, mentor, or qualified counselor. With help, you will learn to question the truthfulness of self-defeating thoughts and listen to others differently, so you can figure out if their statements are a personal attack (as you may have previously assumed), or just a thought out of their head. Many cognitive distortions have established the rules governing the way we think and act. Change is difficult and means you need to be brave enough to try a different style. You may get a blister, but the autonomy it brings, and the new perspective, is worth the effort.
Ann Sheerin, MA
asheerin @ growcounseling.com
Photo Cred: Jen Joaquin