Passion. Intimacy. Commitment. Combine all three components into a healthy relationship and you have what psychologist Robert Sternberg calls consummate love. Couples often struggle to have balance between any two of these elements and often, passion becomes the foundation of the relationship early on. Both partners are attracted to one another physically (which is natural) but often couples want to hinge their relationship on this lone side of the triangle.

The problem is that passion wanes. Ask any couple that has been married three years or more and (if they are honest) the passion is not at the level it was when they first met. Psychologist Elaine Hatfield asserts that passionate love usually lasts only six months to three years. I have seen couples who are intentional about keeping the passion alive far past the three year mark and their relationship reflects this strength, but many couples struggle with this early on in a marriage.

If the red, hot, flaming feelings seem to be dampened, it may be time to reignite the glowing ember. Spend time together. Go on a date. Somewhere you’ve never been. A little fanning may encourage the flames. Those on-fire feelings of passion can be renewed (never exactly the same), but a spark is a powerful entity that creates fire. Firebuilding 101:  spark, fuel and oxygen are all elements of fire.  Keep adding the fuel and oxygen over the years to keep that spark alive. 

Marlayne Whitlock, M.A., LAPC

mwhitlock@ GROWcounseling.com