If you are struggling with pregnancy-related issues, do you ever wonder what happened to your wonderful life? What happened to the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky “you” that enjoyed life before you found out you couldn’t get pregnant? I always assumed, like most other women, that I would find the love of my life, get married and have several children without any trouble. Nobody ever plans on not being able to become a mother when one is ready.
Lately it feels like my personality has been taken over by two parts. Part one is the “griever” and part two is the “self-help guru”. The griever cries over younger years and a house filled with healthy children. She has “pregnant-belly envy” when she sees a pregnant woman at the grocery store, and resorts to eating ice-cream while watching soap operas all day. The self-help guru has read every book on infertility, attends any support group that may remotely be applicable, and is delving into meditation and yoga. Each part of my new personality is looking for answers and desperately trying to convince myself that life is still good and will be even better once all of this passes.
After trying the traditional route to parenthood, multiple testing and doctor’s visits, my husband and I found out our family-building options about a year ago. Since then, I have met many women in my same situation, different ages, various ethnicities and backgrounds, some with children already. Apparently, infertility is more common than I knew. So, our options: expensive infertility treatments which may or may not work, or adoption which may take years and is also costly. Of course, there is a third option of not becoming parents at all which equals more grieving. We have yet to choose which path we will take.
Needless to say, I have experienced a wide range of emotions over the past year – sadness, doubt, fear, but also loneliness. Even though I have a wonderful husband and supportive friends, it is still difficult for someone to understand the enormity of coming to grips with the fact that my body doesn’t work like it’s suppose to, and we have some very difficult decisions to make which involve a lot of risk.
Meanwhile I struggle with each announcement of friends who are joyfully, and seemingly effortlessly, expecting a child. One friend posted a sonogram on Facebook, another documents her growing belly with photos as each month of her pregnancy progresses. I increasingly find it difficult to talk with my friends who are already parents. And we both continue to field the occasional question from a well-meaning relative, friend, or co-worker about when we are going to start a family. I mostly keep my situation private, expect for the wonderful support group I found and a few trusting friends. I don’t need to add judgment from others about how my husband and I should approach our decision into the mix of confusion we already face. And it is admittedly some comfort to meet other women who are struggling with infertility and remind myself that many do not have a smooth path into parenthood.
While I do not yet know what the outcome will be of this journey, the “griever” part of my personality will continue to grieve for my own lost dreams, and now also those of others I have met in this process, who, strangely, give me comfort. The “self-help guru” part of my personality will hold on to positive thoughts and affirmations. My favorites right now are “This too shall pass” and “I am right where I am supposed to be”.
Stacey Wald, LAPC, RD
Swald @growcounseling.com