Fear is almost always connected to a bad experience; one you experienced yourself or one you heard about from someone else. This fear can be powerful, it can keep us safe from danger, but it can also keep us from needed change in relationships and life. The world would be a crazy place without fear; people speeding everywhere without wearing a seatbelt, amusement parks would go out of busy, and no one would lock their doors. Even though it is needed, what happens when fear starts to drive your life in the area of relationships? Usually the answer to this question is feeling hurt and confused.

Most of the time fear acts as a blast from the past from a bad experience you’ve had. This could be as simple as boyfriend saying he is going to play golf and all of a sudden you are afraid he wants to leave the relationship. Fear connects these two seemingly separate ideas because your pervious boyfriend broke up with you after playing golf and you may be afraid it will happen again. Sometimes we all have to hit the “Does not apply here button” in relationships, when the fear is coming from a previous bad experience. However, this does not mean that all fears in relationships need this button, sometimes the fear is trying to protect you from getting hurt. Often the hardest part is to know the difference.

Jennifer Wilmoth, LAMFT
JWilmoth@ GROWCounseling.com