If you have children and are either thinking about, going through, or have been through a divorce, you probably wonder about how your divorce may impact your children. Many people debate whether or not they should stay in a rocky relationship solely for the sake of the children.

There are two important conclusions that several research studies have found. First of all, divorce increases certain risk factors for children. Declines in financial status and social support systems, increased parenting stress, exposure to parental discord, and decreased contact with the noncustodial parent are some of the more common risk factors. The second conclusion is that the majority of children come through divorce without adverse long-term consequences.

Here are a few things you can do to reduce the risk to your children as you go through a difficult time in your relationship:

1. Minimize exposure to parental conflict. If you find that your disagreements with your spouse tend to escalate, please be intentional about not exposing your children to arguments. That may mean setting some parameters regarding when and where you and your ex should discuss difficult issues.
2. Don’t use your child to communicate your concerns to your ex. If possible, communicate directly with your ex. If circumstances require that you use a third-party for communication with your ex (possibly due to a restraining order), make certain you are communicating through the appropriate third party (i.e. attorney) and not your children.
3. Avoid complaining to your children about their other parent. No matter how old your child is, they should not be put in a position of feeling like they should side with one parent over the other. Children need to be free to love both parents. Divorce is difficult and there will be times when you need to vent and you will need emotional support. Leaning on a trusted friend or talking to a therapist may be helpful.
4. Let your child know that they are loved. Reassure your child that they are loved by both their parents and that divorce does not change that.
5. Consider co-parenting therapy. A divorce does not dissolve parental ties. You and your ex will now be entering a new relationship as co-parents. Some couples naturally co-parent well and others can benefit from some guidance. Co-parenting therapy can help the two of you provide safe and stable environments for your children.

Divorce is a stressful time for everyone in the family. Doing your best to minimize the risk for your children can reap long term benefits.

Jackie Dunagan, LAMFT
jdunagan @ GROWcounseling.com