What is communication in relationship? It’s the ability to discuss freely, without the fear of retribution or intimidation, one’s thoughts and feelings. By allowing each party to openly share and be vulnerable, dialogue can progress to a more intimate level. As this occurs, trust and safety are achieved which provide a willingness to accept those times when talking isn’t at its best. Have you ever heard of the “Love Bank?” It acts like the usual bank. You make deposits and withdraws, however, these are made into the hearts and minds of each other.

Sound silly? Not hardly. What happens when you overdraft your account at the bank? They charge you fees and if you continue they’ll shut down the account. The same occurs with the emotions and feelings of one another. When we make too many withdraws and not enough deposits, we can shut down the other person from having the desire to talk, or communicate with us in any way. The more deposits, the more of an appeal there is for a person to want the deeper kind of relationship that comes from honesty and exposure of one’s feelings. So what’s the importance of being in any relationship where one is susceptible to being hurt? The importance lies in the fact that that is what relationship is all about. We open ourselves up, willing to accept the good and bad that comes from interacting with another individual.

So how’s your communication? Think about it. Is it working for you or do you want real intimacy that a deeper relationship can bring? Are you happy and content with your relationship as it currently exits and the ways and means by how you communicate to your partner? Do you have to constantly beg or plead for the other party to talk to you? Do you ever find yourself saying “what’s the point they don’t care how I feel!” If so, then here are a few simple ways of opening back up conversation that may just improve the overall state of the relationship:
1. Be willing to listen, not just hear, the other person. It sounds easy doesn’t it? It isn’t. It’s a skill that all good communicators must learn.
2. Don’t start with an agenda. When we enter a conversation with a preplanned outline or schema, it takes away the ability to be flexible and totally open to the other party.
3. Allow each other to finish their thoughts. How can one truly know what the other is saying without completely hearing all of what they have to say? You may think you read minds, but you can’t.

Enjoy one another through communication. You never know where it may lead.

Mark Ellison, LAMFT
mellison@growcounseling .com