In his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, John Gottman writes about predicting the outcome of a conversation between a couple based on the first three minutes of the interaction.  If the discussion begins with a harsh tone, inevitably it will have a negative ending.  Maybe it isn’t only couples who need to pay attention to the first three minutes of a discussion.  Parents and co-workers could benefit from this too. I have spewed forth negativity in the first three minutes of a conversation more often than I would like to admit. The outcome is usually not what I had envisioned or intended.

I once had a coach who taught us to pay attention to the clock by running the clock at every practice for every drill we participated in for the entire season.  I certainly learned to be aware of time on the clock after that intense year of clock watching.  I think this could be true in our conversations too.  What if we simply paid attention to the clock?  Three minutes.  Proceed cautiously. (It could be a chant – cautiously in the first three…)  So, make a mental note of how the flow of conversation unfolds and before things deteriorate to a point of no return, stop and agree to return to the topic at a later point in time.  I liken it to calling a time-out at the beginning of the game when things are not going well.

Marlayne Whitlock, MA, LAPC
mwhitlock@ GROWcounseling.com