In this series, we are taking a look at some of the most common ways our thought process can become distorted, causing us to feel depressed, bad about ourselves, negative or hopeless. One of the most common patterns is All or Nothing (Black and White) thinking.

One way this often becomes a problem is in how we view ourselves and others.

For example, Parker and Taylor have been in a relationship for about a year now, and they seem to continually have the same fights. Parker comes home from work, and sees that while the dishes have been put away, the living room is a mess. Parker gets angry, thinking “Taylor is so lazy! I have asked so many times that the house be kept neat, and yet I come home to this. The house is always a mess, and Taylor never listens to what I ask!” Parker and Taylor start to argue about the housework, and Taylor thinks “I can never level up to what Parker wants from me – this is why my relationships always fail!” Both feel angry, hurt, and upset, and the argument continues.

In this example, both Parker and Taylor engaged in an All or Nothing distortion.

Parker failed to note that Taylor had done part of what was asked in putting away the dishes, even though the living room was still messy. And Taylor believed that by letting Parker down in one area, it meant that the relationship was a complete failure.

This distortion causes people to see the world in black and white, with no room for the “gray” or middle ground of life. People are all bad or all good, relationships are healthy or terrible, and things either have to be done perfectly or not at all. The result is that impossible standards are set for yourself and the other people in your life, and you are constantly disappointed in how things don’t measure up.

The next time you catch yourself thinking “I ALWAYS _________, I’m a total failure” or “Why can’t ______ EVER do what I ask?!”, take a step back and try to think of a time when whatever is frustrating you was not happening. Chances are, there have been times when you didn’t fail, or times when that loved one actually did listen and do what you asked. Remembering those times will help you to feel less frustrated, discouraged, and angry as you deal with the situation at hand, and may allow you to handle it in a more forgiving, patient way. The more you are able to challenge your own blanket statements, the more you’ll be able to see the positives that are occurring in your life alongside the negative.

Check for the next installment to learn more about “Catastrophizing” and how it can affect your life!

Molly Halbrooks, LAMFT
mhalbrooks @ growcounseling.com