While there are differing schools of thought as to whether your spouse can truly be your best friend, one thing is for certain…successful marriages are built on solid friendship. John Gottman, PhD, has studied both the masters and the disasters of relationships for more than 40 years. He figured that the masters build their relationships on a foundation of friendship. He also found that strengthening this friendship improved the quality of the relationship.

People whose relationships have a strong foundation of friendship tend to have a positive view of the world, have better conflict management skills, and manage stress more effectively.

Some couples naturally take time to renew their friendship. They stay abreast of what is happening in their spouse’s life, they know their stressors, and they are interested. But many couples need to be much more intentional about fostering friendship.

So how does one go about fostering friendship with their partner?

• Speak to your spouse as if they were, well…your friend. If a neighbor is visiting your home and accidentally breaks one of your crystal glasses, you may feel a little pang of heartbreak inside of you, but the words that come out of your mouth are likely to be kind and forgiving; “Don’t worry about that, it was just an accident.” But if your spouse commits the same offense, are they likely to be hear with the same forgiving words, or are they more likely to hear something like, “What’s wrong with you? I can never have anything nice!” Choose kindness.
• Be interested. Ask your spouse open-ended questions about their day and really take the time to listen! Focus on being interested more than being interesting.
• Skip the unsolicited advice. Did you ever have one of those experiences when you just need to vent only to have someone tell you what you should have done instead? Did it make you feel better about the situation? Probably not. Avoid giving advice unless your advice is specifically asked for. Instead focus on supporting your partner with empathy and understanding.

Give it a try. Most all of us desire a relationship that supports us and provides us with a safe place to land. Being a friend to your partner is the best way to do your part in creating a nurturing relationship for both of you.

Jackie Dunagan, LAMFT
jdunagan @ GROWcounseling.com