This is hands down one of the most helpful tools I have ever come across as a counselor. It’s a fairly common question used for self-reflection in recovery circles. You may be familiar with it if you or someone close to you has ever struggled with substance abuse. However, the first time I was taught the concept, it was in the context of conflict within relationship. It has helped me tremendously in my own marriage and I’ve used it with countless clients as well.

The next time you find yourself about to get in to a fight with your spouse or significant other, “HALT.” Ask yourself, am I feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired?

Am I:

• HUNGRY? “Hangry” is a thing. There’s a reason those Snicker’s commercials won a CLIO award. It’s true – you’re not you when you’re hungry. When we get hungry, we can get angry. And we can sometimes take it out on the nearest person. So the next time you find yourself getting into a fight with your spouse or child, take a second to think about the last time you ate. Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause that fight and go make a sandwich. Seriously.
• ANGRY? Speaking of anger… it can rear its head in interesting ways as well. The technical term is “displacement,” but some people know this as the “kick-the-dog” effect. Its when something makes us angry, but instead of responding to it, we just let it ruminate inside of us. Eventually, we take that anger out on someone or something else. So ask yourself, “Am I really angry about this? Or am I in a bad mood about something else that happened today and about to take it out on my partner/child/pet?”
• LONELY? We are hardwired for connection and attachment with other people. When we feel lonely, we can sometimes start to think those attachments are in jeopardy which can set off a fear and anxiety response in our brain that makes it hard for us to think clearly. So ask yourself, “Am I feeling lonely right now?” If the answer is yes, there is an increased chance that there is more going on than just the topic at hand.
• TIRED? Just like connection and attachment, our bodies are also wired for sleep. If we aren’t getting enough of it, our brains suffer. It becomes harder for us to process events with our higher level executive functioning and instead we rely on lower level processing. In other words, we don’t think as clearly. When that happens, we are more likely to end up saying things that we don’t mean.

So whenever you find yourself getting into a fight with your child, spouse, coworker, etc., stop – HALT – and ask yourself if you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely or tired. If the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” then it may be a good idea to pause the conversation and spend a little bit of time taking care of yourself first.

Eric McClerren, MS, CIT
emcclerren @ growcounseling.com