Recovering from an Affair: Coping with Flashbacks

The discovery of an affair is usually unexpected and shocking. Because of this, many injured spouses may have a trauma reaction, including feelings of extreme uncertainty and confusion. The injured spouse may feel that their whole world has literally been shaken up and feel very insecure and unstable.

The mixed range of emotions discussed in Part 1 of this series, including extreme hurt and anger, vacillate quickly, day by day, hour by hour, and even minute by minute. These emotions usually change quickly as the injured spouse experiences flashbacks.

A flashback causes the injured spouse to re-experience events surrounding the affair.

For example, an injured spouse may call the offending spouse and get no answer. Immediately, they begin to think of all the other times the spouse didn’t answer their phone during the affair. As they dwell on these thoughts and memories, the injured spouse may begin to feel that extreme hurt and anger once again. These strong emotional reactions to innocent behaviors, objects, or smells can be difficult for both the injured and the offending spouse. They may also potentially impede the recovery process.

Here are a few ways to cope with flashbacks:

  • Express your feelings in a non-destructive way. Do this without putting the offending spouse on the defensive— don’t accuse; just say what you’re feeling. For example write a letter to your spouse disclosing the emotional impact the affair has caused in your life. Journaling your most difficult thoughts and feelings can also be an emotional outlet.
  • Take a moment and step away. It’s ok to walk away from your spouse when you feel you may be losing control of your emotions. Keeping your emotions under control can help decrease the likelihood of more flashbacks.
  • Engage in healthy distractions. Spend more time with friends and family or activities to help keep your mind off the affair. Don’t use this as an excuse to avoid working through things with your spouse.
  • See your Marriage and Family Therapist as an individual. If you and your spouse are seeking outside help to work through this, it can be important to meet one-on-one with your therapist. He or she can assist with coping strategies such as relaxation skills and thought-stopping techniques to help you deal with your emotions.

 

Porsha Williams, LAMFT
Pwilliams@ GROWcounseling.com

 

photo: Daniel Zedda, Creative Commons