photo: greg westfall, Creative Commons

The hallmark of healthy attachment to another person is marked by safety in the relationship. Showing concern for others, enjoying spending time with them, and feeling connected— these are all elements of healthy attachment. There is permission to be one’s own self without fear of judgment.

Attachment becomes unsafe when it entwines our emotional, physical, and mental energy with another person.

We become obsessed with that one relationship. Sometimes we expect another person to meet our every need. Or maybe we expect that of ourselves for others. Trying to meet every need of another person is an impossible superhuman task that sets us up for failure.

When attachment becomes unhealthy, we may feel the need to detach from a relationship.

Detaching can begin with setting a boundary in a relationship. It may mean saying no to someone you have always said yes to in the past. If you feel the need to agree with everything and everyone, it will naturally be uncomfortable when you voice an opinion that differs from your friend/spouse/child/parent.

Sometimes we recognize that all of our energy is being poured into a relationship and it may be time to release our (perceived) control and let the other person face the consequences of their choices. Detaching may feel really uncomfortable.

Detachment does not mean that we do not care about someone.

Detachment is a means of releasing another person to be responsible for themselves. Henri Nouwen illustrates this concept in the book Lifesigns with the image of holding a baby bird.

Imagine holding a baby bird in the palms of your hands. If you open your hands too wide, the bird could slip out and fall to the ground unexpectedly. If you close your hands too tightly in an effort to protect it, the bird may suffocate from lack of air.

Healthy attachment is the act of both holding and letting go.

Healthy attachment is holding the bird with cupped hands so it is free to try to fly, but safely being held. The freedom to fly is important, but the safety of being held is a part of the process, too. In detaching from unhealthy relationships, we often go to either extreme of overprotecting or releasing too quickly. We must find the balance.

Marlayne Whitlock, M.A., LAPC

mwhitlock@ GROWcounseling.com