Decades of studies show that affairs are common.  Approximately 20-40% of men and 10-25% of women will have an extramarital affair in their lifetime.  Newest surveys are finding that affairs are becoming more prevalent among younger adults 45 and under; in addition, men and women are having affairs at an increasingly similar rate.  Do you ever wonder why so many people have affairs or continue to have an affair knowing they are risking their spouse, family, friends and ultimately life as they know it?

The affair is usually free of conflict and deliberately void of unpleasant subjects or the mundane responsibilities and routines of everyday living.  Because of this an affair can create the illusion that the other person is perfect. This illusion tricks you into believing they consistently meet your most important unmet emotional needs when you are with them. The illusion will even go so far as to convince you that you can only get those needs met by that person.  While living in this illusion, it would seem the cheating spouse can ignore the risks of the affair.

Drs. Harley and Chalmers report in “Surviving an Affair” that affairs usually end 6 months after exposure.  Very rarely do they reach 2 yrs.  It is because affairs are typically protected from outside stressors that the betrayed spouse and cheating spouse share together like children, chores, bills, in-laws, etc.  Once the protective “bubble” bursts, the lover typically fails to meet the cheating spouse’s needs adequately due to the exposure to daily living stressors.

Once an affair is exposed, the cheating spouse is left to face the reality of the betrayal, hurt and pain he/she caused the betrayed spouse. The illusion of perfection disappears and it’s time to clean up the mess.

Porsha Williams, LAMFT

Pwilliams@ GROWcounseling.com