It makes sense that the tendency to hold a grudge developed and was useful in past societies when our ancestors lived in caves, tribes, villages, farms, or small towns. The ability to hold a grudge may have developed as a protective mechanism to prevent one from being fooled again or taken advantage of. It helped one identify a slacker who could be very detrimental in those small communities. Looking at it this way, one can see it as possibly necessary for survival. Thus, holding a grudge can be seen as a defense mechanism; one that some people are very adept in using.
Fast forward to the 21st century….you may be wondering what the big deal is then. Why should you give up grudges? Or, maybe it’s okay to have them? Well, in our more modern societies, a slacker is not as harmful to entire communities anymore. However, holding a grudge may be more harmful to the one holding it than the slacker, and it doesn’t really help anything.
Holding a grudge raises stress hormones that can damage our bodies. If you are a consistent grudge carrier, the constant stress on your body can begin to take a toll. High blood pressure, cardiac disease, accelerated aging, autoimmune disorders, and more can be the result of consistent stress.
Fortunately, we can choose to change. We can choose not to be a grudge carrier and thus decrease some of the stress in our lives. Cognitive therapy with a qualified counselor can help. You can also ask yourself a few basic questions to begin the process.
Writing extensively about these in a journal can give you clarity:
~What is it costing you to hold this grudge and be resentful?
~How does it really help you to hold this grudge?
~Does it change anything for the better by carrying this grudge?
Stacey Wald, LAPC, RD
swald@ GROWcounseling.com