Have you ever felt the need to keep something from a partner to prevent them from feeling hurt or disappointed? There are times in many relationships when the idea arises that not hurting the other’s feelings is more important than being honest. However, as is often seen with couples, this isn’t really the best policy. Trust is always a key issue in relationship. Without a sense of trust, there exists a gulf, or distance between the individuals that prevents them from feeling completely accepted. Trust is part of the glue that keeps people interested in going deeper into relationship. To “spare” someone hurt or pain from something, is to reduce that person’s ability to make decisions and feel empowered toward the relationship. It also leads to doubt, speculation and a host of other questions within their heart and mind.

Ill-feelings are not normally the intention of the secrecy, but it is usually the outcome. Part of having relationship is the sense of fairness. By fairness, I mean offering the other person the capacity to receive the good and bad, without hiding sensitive information. Two people will not always perceive issues the same, granted. Yet, providing one another the capability to absorb, reflect and process is what relationship is about and feeling the need to “protect” can do more harm than good.

Mark Ellison, LAMFT
mellison@GROWcounseling.com