Wish you could know if your relationship or marriage would be happily ever after or end in heartache. Well, research by John Gottman, PhD on couple relationships has come a long way and has found 4 negative interactions that if allowed to run wild in your relationship will likely destroy the relationship. Here are the 4 negative interactions to be on the lookout for:
- Criticism- When a simple complaint such as “why did you not feed the dog like you agreed you would last night” changes to include negativity towards the partners character or personality such as “You are so lazy and selfish making me feed the dog all the time, it was your idea to get the dog in the first place.”
- Contempt- There is many different ways to show contempt in a relationship some are more settle than others. Contempt includes name-calling, mockery, hostile humor, sarcasm, etc.
- Defensiveness- Simply a way of blaming your partner and pointing the finger at them as being the problem. Defensiveness could be “I fed the dog yesterday but you don’t ever remember that when you jump on my case about the dog do you? Many times the partner that feels attacked will become defensive but this almost never leads to a resolve instead it escalates the argument further.
- Stonewalling (Withdrawing) – Usually stonewalling shows up after years of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are present in a relationship. Stonewalling is when a partner avoids eye contact and does not give any cues they are listening to what the other partner is saying such as nodding of the head and may even turn on the TV or walk out of the room. The partner that is stonewalling is avoiding the conflict and the relationship.
If you notice any of these four negative interactions in your relationship it is likely a warning sign your relationship could be in trouble now or in the future. However, putting your relationship back on track is not as simple as not doing these four negative interactions instead it is putting effort into your friendship with your partner. Developing a strong bond and knowing each other so when someone forgets to feed the dog it does not end with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.
Adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, Ph.D
Jennifer Wilmoth, LAMFT
jwilmoth@GROWcounseling.com